Introspection

At least it wasn’t a whole year this time, right?

Yes, it’s me again. Despite the rumors and the naysaying, I have returned again to write a few more words that you are now perusing with your eyes. And as always, I don’t really know where I’m going with this, but you’re used to this by now. You’re here, aren’t you?

It’s funny because “I don’t know where I’m going with this” seems to summarize how I feel about all aspects of life lately. There is a certain air of uncertainty that seems to pervade all things, and it’s slowly driving me insane. Work? Work is good, people are nice, I’m feeling productive, but also…where is all this going? I’ve been doing the same job for more than 10 years now, and while they’ve been some very good years (on average), it does feel like it’s time for something new. But the problem with something new is, of course, the risk involved. Do I want to take that sort of risk at such an ‘unprecedented’ time of economic and political upheaval? Or does one wait until things balance out a little bit? Will it ever balance out? Am I just wasting my time here?

You see the problem, don’t you? I am plagued with indecision, because there is no clear, obvious decision. Leaving would mean new opportunities and growth, but also risk and loneliness and a whole lot of stress. Staying would mean comfort and being there for family (being an only child of parents who are getting older and weaker by the day) and stability, but also stagnation and risk and a whole lot of stress. It seems that stress is the great unifier across all of my options, and it’s the one thing I don’t want more of, funnily enough.

Now take that, and apply it to all aspects of life. Do you want to buy a new car/apartment/pointless piece of furniture? Sure, pay an absolutely exorbitant amount of money that is entirely arbitrary and in no way actually reflects the actual value of the item you want to buy. Does that sound unfair? Well you better decide quickly because who knows what the price will be in a week, or even tomorrow? No one does, and especially not you.

You live in a constant space of uncertainty, where nothing feels real or true, and noting stays the same long enough to actually get a grip on reality. So you just keep on drifting in this vague dream-like state. I catch myself sometimes wondering ‘What is anything at this point?’ like some existentialist sitting at a cafe with a half-smoked cigarette and an unkempt beard. To what end is this leading us? Does the word ‘end’ even make sense?

I’d try to lighten the mood by some anecdotes or jokes about my love life, but unfortunately dear readers, the situation is dire at this point; and endless cycle of heartbreak and disappointment, for everyone involved. So in a sense, business as usual? Ha. Nope, can’t joke about it.

I found myself asking a friend over breakfast a few days ago what her goals in life happen to be, and she just said ‘To have fun, to enjoy my time on this earth while I have time’ and while that made sense to me, recently I’ve been struggling with what it is that would bring me that sort of joy in life. I too want to have fun, but as time passes, the idea of what fun is has started to elude me quite often. Sometimes I think life would be more fun if I had more people in my life, more friends, a partner, but then it ends up feeling like I’m basing my happiness on others, which doesn’t really make sense. If I’m to be happy, it has to come from within. The answer my friend had to all of this was quite simple: ‘You’ve got to try more things, you’ll never know what makes you happy until you try’

So I’ll try - in a way, me writing this right now is me trying - and we’ll see how that goes.

Till next time!